So we're finally at the last month of the year. This year has flown by with incredible speed. And yet it felt like a year where I have achieved....nothing. Like nothing significant has really evolved or that I haven't extended much of myself to good use. Last year, it was a year of frustration. This year was a year of waiting. Waiting to see how the treatment I'm on makes me feel. Waiting to see if there's any truth to what lies in those little serum vials. Waiting to see if the doctors have finally got it right this time.

Waiting, to get better.

But while one waits, time continues going on. Time stops for nothing. But we still keep on living.

I recently mentioned that the LTD insurance that I purchased through my ex-company rejected my claim. Because they felt that what I have doesn't fit into their guidelines of what a disability is. And also because they felt that I wasn't ill enough by what the doctors have told them. Mind you, some of these doctors are doctors that I've only seen once or twice and not anyone I've worked on my situation closely on. But that's medical red tape for you isn't it? And the doctors who have been working closely on my situation haven't responded to their request for a diagnosis.

So it's truly ironic that when I have decided to try and go back to find part-time work (out of sheer necessity) and have therefore now applied for Unemployment Insurance that they reject me also because they feel I'm not well enough to work. Fuck me! What's a girl supposed to do? On one hand one group says you're not sick enough and won't give you your rightful funds to live on and then the other group says you're too sick to work so they won't give you your rightful funds for survival either.

Is this where people fall into the cracks of society and they end up alone, ill and destitute without help from anyone? It's these rude awakenings of life that bemuses me. Things you can't explain why they are what they are and how come things have become twisted the way they have.

It's hard not to be bitter, angry, stressed out and depressed. It's only natural to worry about how your future is going to be when you're standing in my position. And it's hard to put up a front and pretend to be gleeful and happy when inside you feel like withering into nothingness. So pardon me if I don't sound happy here or if what I write is too depressing for your "daily fix" because as we all know, no one is a certain way all the time. Those who think we can project the same online persona day after day is a liar. And so what if my writing doesn't bring that smile to your face today like it perhaps has many times in the past? This is the real me. This is my real life. But let me share with you what I'm going through and to let you know that today, I'm not smiling either.

Move on.

I'm out.