It's not easy growing up as a fat Asian girl.

I've wanted to write about this for a long time now. In fact, I've shared this with a few other OJs (remember, OJ means online journalist[s], don't make me remind you again) and they all tell me to do so but I wanted to write about it when I felt right. Perhaps I also want to write about it because those who know what I look like always reprimand me for saying and thinking the things I do. Other OJs who know what I look like are especially passionate at trying to shake some sense in my head because they obviously see someone who I don't see in the mirror.

But my head....has been inundated with the same thoughts, opinions, voicings for the past 31 years and it's not so easy to change that fact.

Ah, being an Asian girl - you're automatically formed in one's mind as small, petite, dainty, fragile, a small China doll what have you. And with these stereotypes there are automatically expectations. It's hard to meet these expectations when all of us are built differently from different genes, different backgrounds, different everything. But somehow, we ALL still expect to see that stereotype of an Asian girl. Don't we?

Shall I continue?

Small, petite, long hair, almond eyes, thin lips, cutesy voice - all this packaged up in something that normally weighs no more than 100 pounds.

Society is so critical of weight and size. And when you're an Asian girl, it's even more so because not only Asians expect you to be thin but also all the other ethnicities.

People ask me why I don't put pictures of myself on my site. Perhaps the answer to this is that what I see in the mirror is different from how the rest of you see me. And I don't like what I see. The funny thing is, I don't think I have a problem with my self-esteem, I'm confident in myself but I'm not confident in the way I look. Why? Because I think society and pressures from family, friends, etc have made me think the way I do. I think most of us Asian gals have ran into episodes with parents or parents friends making certain comments about size. In an Asian society - success is so often associated with what we do and how we look. I mean, what can be better than being a 'pretty doctor' in a parent's eyes? Shit most parents could die and go to heaven at that point.

[this may be a long entry, so grab a cup of tea or coffee now]

So you begin growing up. Elementary school. Ok, you're chubby. Junior high. Alright, baby fat, it will go away. High school. Oh boy, no date to the prom huh? College. How come all the guys are dating your roommates and not you? Work. Man, it's tough looking professional in chubby clothes.

So you go on all those crazy diets. All those strange things that people swore their friend's friend lost 15 pounds in 2 days on or whatever. You try pills. You try injections. You try starvation. You try psycho exercising. You try everything. And you lose the weight.

People begin saying how great you look. Parents even reward you for losing the weight. Guys actually begin to take notice. Pseudo-friends don't say a thing because they are all jealous and can't believe how great you look. You get all these new outfits, you kind of take on a whole new persona. You feel like you're in the spotlight. But when you look in the mirror it's still that fat Asian girl (FAG) staring right back at you again.

And then you gain it all back and more so.

This goes on several times more and each time, you look good when you lose it but you feel like shit and look like shit when you gain it back. So thinking you haven't nearly damaged your body enough - you embark on yet another mission to diet.

Why?

Because if you don't, you feel like a failure. You didn't succeed. You suck basically. The main thing most people diet for is for the attention of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're gay). I've grown up around a lot of beautiful friends. Some are just so jaw dropping that we've had lunches paid for by other men at other tables. It's not my friend's fault that they are good looking. I don't blame them at all. They don't seek out my friendship because they think they are more superior looking than I am. I don't seek them out because they are better looking than me either. We're merely friends because we bond well and are good companions. It's how the rest of society reacts to their perception of beauty and ugliness that hurts us more than anything.

But life is so blatantly obvious and harsh that when you walk into a room or a club or a restaurant and guys' head's turn to look at them and not at you - that it becomes a constant reminder that you're not worth their time for even a single glance.

If I had a buck for every time people turn their head to look at the people I was with instead of me, I'd be so fucking rich. But it's not because I'm not a conversationalist, nor is it because I'm not good looking, nor is it because I don't dress well or know proper etiquette....it's really because I am not as thin as they are. Because Asian men aren't like some black men or non-Asian men where they like women who are a bit more curvaceous and with a bit more booty.

When I was young, my sister took me to some weight clinic and put me on some program because she wanted me to be happy. And she thought that by losing weight I would be happy. My mom's friend once told my mom that she should make me lose weight or else I'll end up hating my mom for letting me get so fat when I grow up. Or how about that line they always use like: boys won't like you if you're fat. Oh and the mother of them all: you're such a pretty girl, it's such a shame that you're not thinner. If only my family and friends paid more attention to my well-being by making it a positive experience instead of a negative one, I would think very differently today about myself. Perhaps it's because my entire family is thin except me. And maybe they associate happiness with thinness but what about associating happiness with accepting oneself? Unfortunately most people don't know any better.

And Chinese people/relatives/morons/ignoramus are so harsh when it comes to comments about weight.

So you're thinking, 'if you're so fuckin unhappy about it, why don't you lose weight'?

Listen, it's not the weight. It's the mindset. It's the perception from people. It's people like you who just thought of that question. Oh, I've had more than my share of ups and downs - more than I'll share with any one of you really, I just want to be heard today.

That's all.

It's the bombarding of negative comments throughout my life. The insinuations of fat equals uselessness and worthlessness. It's the way people look at you and automatically assume you're a sloth, you're a potato couch, you're a fuckin lazy ass who probably eats a big mac everyday. It's the disappointment in men's eyes when they think you're the greatest person via email or phone but when they see you it's not what they imagine. It's the constant subtle reminders that you could be so much more if only....if only....you were thinner.

Some of you, may not be able to relate to a thing I said today. For others, it may hit closer than close to home. All I know is, I'm just writing for myself and this is who I am. And if think you I'm beautiful, I now smile politely and say 'thank you', but I really can't see myself that way.

I'm out.

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