I've been thinking about when I should go back to work. Trust me, it's not because I want to but because I need to eventually. Still, I need to see how my body is reacting to treatment after a few more months. Initially, I think I'll just do the part time thing and see how I feel and then ultimately switch back to full time should I feel capable of handling both my symptoms and the stresses of work simultaneously. God, just the thought of compounding work stress onto my current health makes me feel less than ecstatic. :P I know with the economy out there, I shouldn't be too picky about the job I'll eventually undertake but for once in my fuckin life, I would like to work at a job that I actually enjoy. You know, with a supervisor who actually doesn't have mental problems and with bosses who aren't part of the Ary@n society.

My parents have been telling me to go back to school and get an MBA. Ugh. No thanks, not for me. Not everyone has to have an MBA to succeed right? And not everyone is MBA material either. I can't possibly see myself going back to school striving for a degree that I don't possibly have a shred of interest in. Hell, getting my undergrad in Business was hard enough since I really don't have interest in all that *yawn* stuff. And I know all the stuff that I personally have interest in probably doesn't make too much money either.

Money. Who doesn't need it? If I made less money than before, I wouldn't be able to travel like I used to, maintain this site like I am now, indulge in all my material fetishes, get tattoos :P But do I really want to sacrifice my happiness for more money in a job that I hate? That thought really repulses me somehow. I know some of you are lucky enough to have a job you both love and make shitloads of money at. And I guess for the rest of us, we just take the job because the money is too decent to pass up. Eh, what am I saying......I guess we're lucky if we even have a job nowadays.

So tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my termination date. Remember that turmoil a year ago? [thank goodness for journal archives] In actuality though I have been out of commission since June of 2000 and although that seems like an eternity, it's gone by much too fast. It took a very long time to get used to the fact that I was "let go". It was different when I was on a leave of absence and yet still employed because you know you had that security, you know you were still a part of something you can return to and you know you were still wanted. But being terminated sounded ugly to me. It was ugly because I had no choice. The decisions weren't in my hands and the company's decisions weren't just. Perhaps I would have felt better about the whole thing if it were under better circumstances but well, I probably felt just as "let down" as the rest of you who lost jobs out there within the past year.

I'm thinking about all this again because I recently received a letter from the insurance company stating that they have rejected (thanks gg) my long term disability insurance. I felt like a damn balloon deflating when I was reading that letter. *sigh* So tell me people, what's the point of buying LTD from work if the fucking insurance company won't even approve you??? I know their job is to find every possible means to NOT pay out money but c'mon, don't they realize that there are actually people out there who aren't fibbing? Do they not realize that some people barely have any means to survive on? Sure, I ain't out on the streets or in the shelters but why can't they seem to see the brevity of the situation where there actually is truth to the matter.

Don't worry, I may be down but not forever. And yes, it's depressing me.

:::

Let's start the month off with some 'squeak outs' that I forgot last month or have put on the back burner. :P

• Congrats to Scott and Amy on their pregnancy.
• Congrats to GG and Babemonster Bill on their respective new gigs.
• Glad to see Ms. Got-Rice back with a vengeance.
• Congrats to Nels on his engagement. <da DA DA dum>
• Always diggin Cami's new look for her site with her retro photos. :)
• Hoping Lil Yam is all better now.
• Hoping Lan and her family are all hanging in there.
• Thanks to all who have linked me recently, written emails and signed my guestbook [waterlily, kristin, isabelle, sandy, and others who I'm sure I've forgotten to jot down]

And stuff that I'm wondering about:

• How freaked out I'd be if Bleak and MJ really did show up on my doorstep. <please don't scare me like that. thanks.>
• How Adam and his gf dressed up so nice on Halloween (him as an Apache Chief and her as Princess Kitana from Mortal Kombat). Mortal Kombat<!>
• Maybe I should get one of those corsets that Sarah had purchased recently. sexay!
• How Fannio read all those translated Chinese classics at such a young age and I have read none at 31! Oh the shammmmeeee!
• How Tina is enjoying her adventures in HK. :)
• How funny that so many people get LuckyKat and I mixed up.
• How come I can't paint pretty bamboo like Jaycine.

[aiyah disclaimer: if i didn't happen to mention you, it doesn't mean i hate your guts. it merely means something probably slipped my mind or i haven't caught up on your site or email yet. i reserve the right to refuse service here. :P]

Anyway, thanks also to those who wrote me nice emails regarding the tattoo. I'm actually itching like a mofo right now and I can't believe I'll be back for the second part in a few weeks. But I'm looking forward to finishing it up because in my eyes, it's still far from completion. But I really appreciate all your comments and advice!

And thanks to those who thought I could write and actually do well in the NaNoWriMo this month. But the fact of the matter is that I don't have much confidence in my output so I'd rather not disappoint myself. Perhaps next year or another event that focuses less on quantity. Yeah I'm weak like that.

Happy November all.

And Happy Anniversary to me and K. :)

I'm out.