in the closet
august 22, 2002
<my favorite reading material, especially in the bathroom>
i've been wanting to write for a long long time now but with the out of town guest's craziness at the beginning of the month and other personal obligations day after day, i can't quite seem to find the time to sit in peace and jot down my thoughts once and for all. but today, the hell with everything going on -- i'm going to at least catch up a little bit before another month passes me by and regret leaving a lot of things left unsaid. because as you know, i always have a lot to say. or at least i try to.
while in some heavy duty pms hormonal imbalance stage, i decided to get blonde highlights. i actually would have gone completely blonde but i think i would be left with zero hair on my head due to all the chemical damage. so i went shades darker and tried to return back to a more "normal" hair color by going dark brown. however you know i could never go without some "zing" in my hair, so i had some blonde highlights put into the crown. at first, i thought i was looking kind of washed out but that's probably because i've been doing red red red for years now and haven't really seen anything but red. everyone else seems to think that blonde is my color though i think they're just saying that to make me feel better. if red hair wasn't such a bitch to maintain, i'd love to stick with it but it's that gross dirty orangey red brown that it fades to that i can't quite put up with. but it was a much needed and welcomed change. and oh yes, please excuse the shiny forehead. i'm only asian you know. and we just have that natural deep fried shininess regardless of what expensive beauty products we try to use to get rid of it.
so yeah, don't laugh just because i looked like i sprayed "sun-in" into my hair. :p
:::
i finally decided to really clean out the closet in my old bedroom which is now the computer room. it's not really a computer room per say because there's a big canopy bed from my childhood smacked dab in the middle of the room and only a computer table and respective peripherals surrounding it. and of course lots of other clutter that makes it look somewhat like the home office of a 9 year old. :p but the true disaster is the closet. there are clothes in there that i say i'll wear again, i'll fit into again, i'll look good in again but after years of seeing velvet, shoulder pads, pinstripes, linen and other styles come and go, i've decided to bite the fuckin bullet and discard nearly everything. i kinda laughed when i saw a single digit sized little black dress by "laundry" in there and wondered what the hell was i thinking keeping it there through the years. go figure.
of course in a chinese household, discarding things doesn't really mean getting rid of things. it only means moving things into another room so my packrat mom can go through what i plan to dump and see what she wants to keep for herself. so far she's salvaged my dooney and burke purse, an A/X backpack and countless sweaters from jcrew and banana republic. i did however scowl and give her an ultimatum to sort through everything by the weekend before i pack everything off to some charitable cause. because if you know my mom, she would keep everything for another 10 years before getting rid of it. because as most chinese moms would say, "you never know when you'll need it" and "why buy it when you can save it for that perfect time in need." :p i'll never be like my mom.
but the house is only "so" big and i only have just "so" much space to keep things especially since i'm continually accumulating more and more. so purge it is. this is something i should have done years and years ago but was it because i was too cheap to throw things away? or perhaps some items hold too much of a sentimental value? no, i think they were all just ghostly shells of the person in a particular size that i used to be and perhaps i just kept on holding onto that memory of a certain size i used to be and thinking that i could be the same again. it's about time that i realized that no one can ever be the same person they were in another time or another place. i should stop comparing with the past and begin accepting the present.
