pressing
october 09, 2002
i don't feel very funny today so i won't even begin to try writing something funny. what i do feel is this pressing weight on my heart, perhaps my soul. i don't know how to explain it except that i liken it to the feeling you get when you lost somebody or when you love someone but they don't love you back. it's that raw gnawing feeling inside your chest cavity. sometimes i'll be going about my day without much thought to anything when i'll suddenly be overcome with this emotion inside that i stop dead in my tracks and my eyes begin to transfix on something that i'm not even seeing in front of me because the feeling inside is so powerful that it overwhelms whatever i'm doing right there and then. i don't know how else to explain that feeling except that it's a feeling of loss.
loss of something so valuable in your life that you don't think you can go on anymore.
it happened several times today. i was stopped at the red light listening to some korean song when i got lost in thought as i watched the morning fog shroud around my car encapsulating me in my own world blocking out all sounds except for that korean song. it happened again when i was surfing on the web today and saw this one photo that just entranced me so much that my heart began to ache. and then finally as i sat there during dinner tonight - alone - with my chopsticks in mid-air paused in reflection, the gnawing feeling inside was literally eating its way out of me.
sometimes i don't know what to make of it all. am i so troubled to have such dark feelings inside that cannot see the light of day? am i so unlike the person people see on the outside that the only time i can be myself is by withdrawing inside? at times i don't think i'm suited for this world with such pensive thoughts and with so much emotion embroiled inside.
at times like this, i wish i was more adept at writing so i can express what i fully want to say.
