probed
march 06, 2005
as i stood there with my entire lower body naked, i took a photo of this while waiting for my ob/gyn to come into the exam room.
it only seemed like yesterday when i was here last. in the same true fashion, i am still complaining of the icy cold speculum and the natural rise in blood pressure as i hoisted my legs up into the stirrups. some things never change. i told the nurse as she took my blood pressure that she could expect it to be high as it's always stressful coming here. first of all, we have to get on the scale. and THEN we have to be probed. ugh.
men are so lucky that they never have to endure that long wand being inserted "into you" to screen your inner nether regions.
but here i am back again. and oh so soon.
unlike other women who come into this room to view the baby growing inside their belly, i come here to view the cysts that are growing in my ovaries. it's not quite the same elation, trust me. in fact, it's more of a sense of deep pitted dread to see what has grown and hasn't changed since my last visit. during this visit, they still saw about 5 on each side. ouch. i laid there on the bed and turned my head to the right to watch the things he was pointing out on the monitor. like an astronomer graphing out the celestial system, the reality of my life hit me like a ton of bricks.
is this what my life has come down to?
and coincidentally enough, at that split second, i wonder what it would feel like to be a mother watching the baby growing inside her for the first time.
i haven't spoken much these days about my pcos. perhaps it's because there's not much to tell. i've been taken my meds - albeit somewhat sporadically at times. but the stress of the events in the past couple of months have affected my physical being. it's mind boggling how a woman's mental state can affect her body in so many ways.
i came clean and told my ob/gyn some of the things going on. he sat down in front of me and looked at me very sincerely and asked me if i will be able to alleviate some of the stresses in my life because if i cannot resolve the things that are going on, my emotional and mental state will not be able to release itself from this vice grip. he also explained that our bodies are hardwired to our brains - so i can very well physically continue to go downhill from here.
i'm trying to let go of things.
i really am.
right now, it's just a waiting game.
[sidenote: i am really behind on my updates. so much to share, so little time. coming up soon: birthday dinner, weekend dinner with friends, my first ipodding experience]
