incomplete
march 19, 2005
it's days like today that i know why some people resort to chemical dependence or other things to douse away the pain of life. for the past 30-odd hours, i've been feeling rather unhinged. i'm going through a sense of peculiar loss, heartache, numbness, confusion and awkwardness.
at first, i felt like my heart was gripped with fear and then panic ensued. but it all got dulled over by a deep sense of sadness. a sadness that only one can nurse solitarily. i picture myself on days like this riding in the bullet train, listening to music and watching the landscape go by. it's in those moments where i can find peace and reflection while i can still focus on the things at the forefront of my mind without much sadness. but there is no bullet train and there is no moving landscape. i am only sitting here in front of this monitor and perhaps that can be my moving landscape for awhile.
to feel the way i do today....i'm walking without moving. i'm talking without vocalizing. i'm looking without seeing. i'm awake without thinking. i'm living without being. i'm not sure why i'm surprised at the way i feel as this isn't the first time i've felt this way. in fact, it's a feeling not unfamiliar to me. but, this time it's harder for some reason. more difficult to define. more sensitive to swallow. in some ways, it's much like before - in many ways, it's completely different.
i cannot explain it.
there are so many 'whys'.
but i'm trying to understand it.
and i don't know how to begin.
perhaps i should let time work its magic, like it has many times before. maybe i'll find peace of mind. maybe calmness in my heart. but there are so many questions that i wished i knew the answers to. yet, i cannot read minds and i cannot continue to guess.
why must life be so complicated and happiness so hard to find? i try so hard to make things right. i try so hard to live my life the way it's meant to be. i try so hard to let things take its natural course. i try so hard to just be patient and accept and to know that in time, it will be my turn. how does one give anymore than they can possibly give?
don't worry, i'll be alright. i always am and always will be in one way or another. i've walked this path before.
one day, when i have all the answers, i will be complete.
currently listening to: soundtrack from 'il mare'
