hitori de
march 29, 2005
the oh so elusive urine specimen door at the ob/gyn. if you kept that door opened, the people testing your pee could watch you urinate with a cup in your hand. :p by the way, how does a woman pee in a cup without ever splashing herself or the cup? i've found that to be an impossibility. of course this is coming from the chick who splashed her jeans with pee when squatting over a keyhole ground toilet in hong kong.
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work is really kicking my ass. i've been stuck in these 4 hour meetings daily due to my involvement in the new software upgrade project taking place in august of this year. but we currently have these design sessions where you have to discuss your work flow and how you would like to improve it.
my job is complicated and to talk about how i would like to improve it would also mean that i need to expose certain facts about how people are doing in their jobs. working in a corporate environment as most of you know, is a delicate matter and requires a good sense of judgement in knowing how to balance your work relationship with others. therefore, pointing fingers is really not something you can do outright without defaming anyone in the process. of course to lie and not express how your job could be improve would be stupidity as well since this is the one opportunity to really automate one's processes. the last thing i need is to not say what i need to say about my work and then have people come to me at the end of the project exclaiming "why didn't you tell us?".
my portion was this morning at 8:30am and i spent 2+ hours dissecting my workflow for everyone's scrutiny. the president of the company was gracious enough to know that i was being diplomatic and spared me any overly difficult questions about my own boss and my peers. of course i still have 2 more days of meetings and then 3 more days in a couple weeks. it's going to be a long 4 months ahead i think.
please, no more 11 hour workdays for me.
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^ my burberry blue label neckerchief in gray & pink
there's a lot of things going on that is hampering my emotions. i haven't replied to emails lately and i'm sorry to those who are waiting but it's hard to sit down and write something when your heart isn't all there. in addition, i reinstalled a new OS into my system a couple weeks ago and lost all my emails from outlook express. so i'll have to sift through my yahoo mail & gmail to see who is waiting for a reply to what.
i have been feeling really disappointed in a lot of things lately. people. health. future. existence. i've been disappointed in my indifference towards life. i don't feel much passion about anything right now. sure, i go through the motions of the activities i'm involved in and i'm at my desk at work and i'm in my car going here & there and i'm having meals with friends and i'm sitting here typing this up BUT i'm lacking essence.
perhaps the hardest thing right now in all of this and an added stress being tacked onto my life is being placed on an imposed exile from certain people in my life. in moments when you really need a friend who understands you and you aren't able to communicate with them, it's pure punishment & misery. i always thought that friends would be understanding and around when there is a mutual need for support. although i've always been strong and always been able to stand on my own, there are moments in one's life when all you really need is to talk to someone who won't question you, who knows you so implicity without having to ask why, who already knows what is going through your mind & heart without you having to utter a single syllable. even in silence, they already know everything.
and to be without that sense of support, life is that much more difficult.
and in a way, i feel like i'm slowly dying.
currently listening to: lasgo, something
