still remembering
may 06, 2005
many of you probably thought that the reason i didn't update much was because of the anniversary of snowie's death. although it was something on the forefront of my mind, it wasn't the reason why i didn't write.
but now that i'm talking about snowie, i do miss her tremendously and after one year now, i feel ashamed to say that i don't remember exactly what she looked like.
no, let me restate that.
my mind doesn't have a clear concise image of snowie anymore and i seemed to have blended her and snowbie into the same visage. is that wrong of me? i know when i write that they look alot alike, most of you think i'm hallucinting. but ask any of my friends who have seen both dogs and they will attest to the fact that they look almost identical. it's strangely eerie.
i try not to think too much of what happened. i can talk about the incident without tears flowing forth now. but inside there will always be a dark dank feeling in the pit of my heart. still, after all this time, i cannot cease to blame myself for what transpired.
i know all things happen for a reason but i believe this particular incident happened for a very particular purpose. i'm still trying to find out why.
or maybe i should just stop asking?
where the grass is greener, snowbie has been a blessing. there have been moments in this year that i've raised her that i wondered if i made a mistake by prematurely getting a puppy so soon after the death of the other one. but whenever i have my doubts or second guess my decision, seeing her face and the love that she gives so unconditionally makes me erase all those silly thoughts. she's grown up a bit in recent months but is still as playful as ever. she's not quite as wild as before but is still very much a puppy at heart. i can't describe the joy she brings me and the way she reminds me of snowie but yet is clearly someone different.
i remind myself to give her the time and the life that i neglected to give snowie.
i'm trying so hard to make up for what i have lost. and to not let it get away from me again.
currently listening to: silence
